Living with Uncertainty: Letting Go of Control and Focusing on What Matters
Anxiety often tricks us into believing that if we could just gain control over the unknown, everything would be okay. But the truth is, no matter how much we plan, prepare, or worry, life will always be full of uncertainty. For many women, this constant need for control can become exhausting—leading to feelings of overwhelm, fear, and even avoidance of situations that feel unpredictable.
Through therapy, especially with the use of Exposure and Response Prevention (ERP), you can learn how to let go of this need for control and focus on living in alignment with your values instead of being driven by fear.
The Link Between Anxiety and Control
Anxiety loves certainty. It makes you feel like if you could just know exactly how things will turn out, you’d feel safe. Whether it's worrying about the future, avoiding situations that feel risky, or overthinking every little detail, anxiety often tells the story that control is the answer. The problem? We don’t have control over most things, and chasing it only reinforces anxious behaviors.
This constant need for control can:
Lead to avoidance of people, places, or activities that feel uncertain.
Cause obsessive thoughts or compulsive behaviors meant to reduce anxiety.
Distract you from your core values by pulling you into a cycle of fear.
How Exposure and Response Prevention (ERP) Helps You Face Uncertainty
ERP is a powerful tool used in anxiety therapy to help people break free from the cycle of fear and avoidance. Instead of trying to control or avoid situations that cause anxiety, ERP encourages you to gradually face these triggers in a structured and safe way—without engaging in the usual compulsions or safety behaviors.
Here’s how ERP works:
Exposure: You gradually confront the situations, thoughts, or feelings that trigger your anxiety. For example, if uncertainty around health causes anxiety, an exposure might involve reading about common health problems without immediately Googling symptoms.
Response Prevention: During this process, you resist the urge to engage in behaviors that would normally reduce your anxiety in the short term (such as seeking reassurance or avoiding certain activities). Over time, this helps retrain your brain to become less fearful of uncertainty.
ERP is particularly effective for clients who experience obsessive-compulsive behaviors, but it’s also helpful for anyone whose anxiety is driven by the need for control. Through consistent practice, you can build tolerance to uncertainty and learn that even without control, you can handle whatever life throws at you.
Shifting Focus from Control to Values
While ERP helps you face your fears, it’s also important to shift your focus from controlling outcomes to living in line with your core values. This is where narrative therapy and values-based living come into play. Instead of focusing on how to avoid what scares you, we’ll explore what truly matters to you and how you want to show up in life.
Ask yourself:
What kind of person do you want to be, even in the face of uncertainty?
What relationships, activities, or goals are important to you that anxiety is keeping you from pursuing?
What does it look like to live a life based on your values rather than your fears?
Practical Tips for Embracing Uncertainty
Challenge Your “What Ifs”
The brain loves to spiral into “what if” scenarios—what if I lose my job, what if I get sick, what if things don’t go as planned? Next time these thoughts come up, try reframing them with curiosity instead of fear. Ask yourself, “What if I can handle it, no matter what happens?”Gradual Exposure to Uncertainty
Start small. If you usually avoid situations where you feel out of control, like delegating tasks at work or making decisions without double-checking, begin with manageable steps. With ERP, the goal is to gradually increase your tolerance for uncertainty while reducing your reliance on safety behaviors.Focus on Your Values, Not Your Anxiety
When anxiety shows up, ask yourself, “Is this thought or action aligned with my values, or is it driven by my need to control?” Focusing on what matters most to you—whether it’s spending time with loved ones, achieving personal goals, or being present—can help redirect your energy away from fear.Accept Discomfort as Part of Growth
Discomfort is a natural part of growth, especially when working through anxiety. Through ERP, you’ll learn that discomfort doesn’t have to be feared or avoided. Over time, the more you expose yourself to uncertainty, the more you’ll realize that you’re capable of handling it.
Moving Forward with ERP and Values-Based Living
Letting go of control is not about giving up—it's about learning to focus on what you can control: your actions, your values, and how you respond to the world around you. ERP helps retrain your brain to face uncertainty, while values-based living helps you stay grounded in what truly matters. Together, these tools allow you to live a fuller, more meaningful life—even when the future feels uncertain.
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If anxiety is keeping you stuck in a cycle of control and avoidance, online therapy with ERP can help. I’m here to support you as you build tolerance to uncertainty and start living a life that aligns with your values. Reach out for a free 20-minute consultation to explore how we can work together.